I am going to start graduate school soon and this will be a new adventure for me. It will be in creative writing which I needed to have been doing years ago, but did not because of mental state and other people’s approval. I am doing this for me and no one else and I want so much to succeed at this and not fail like I have many times before. I have tried engineering, architecture, art, music, web design and have failed miserably. I hope that this is different. I love to write and try to do it whenever I can and where ever I can. I pray that I don’t fail this time.
I am nervous about how many classes I take so that I don’t overload myself just starting out. I hope that I can get financial aid to pay for it and not force me into taking more than one class right now until I know more of how I will perform in school. I am hoping I can get a disability accommodation which will allow me to take my time with classes. I hope things will work out because I feel like this is one of my last chances to get it right.
I also ran into someone from FaithWorks at a 12 step meeting that I haven’t seen in 2 years. I don’t know if anything will come of it or if it is just a friendship and nothing more. I have learned to let things happen the way they are suppose to happen and not try to get in there and try to control it. I have spent my entire life running away from relationships or running after them. I am kind of like Peppy Le Pew from the old Warner Brothers’ cartoons. I guess that is why I like them so much. They let me see myself as I really am.
Well, for now I need to focus on getting my car fixed and getting my finances in better shape.
I remember a few years ago when I was newly recovering from my bipolar/depression, how I felt when the obsessive/compulsive thinking was gone. I was relieved and excited that somehow the spell had been broken and I was restored to sanity. I think about that every year because I began therapy on Ash Wednesday and that first Easter was especially meaningful to me. With God’s help I had conquered an illness I was not supposed to recover from and the joy I felt when the obsessive thoughts were gone.
To me, that is what Easter is all about. It is about recovering from something hopeless and incurable and being given a new lease on life. Ever since then I have counted the years that I have been out of the hospital and each year I give a silent “Thank You” for all the hurdles I have been jumping since then. In the work that I do, I help others try to recover from their illness as well. It usually is a tedious and long process, but I like to think that I am making a difference by just being there and giving them an example of what recovery looks like.
This year I also celebrate 15 years in recovery from alcohol and drugs which I never thought possible either. I did it one day at a time the same way I recovered from my mental illness. Now if I can recover from this, I hope to recover from compulsive overeating as well. There are still many mountains to climb and many valleys to cross before I get to my destination.
For me, recovery is doing the next right thing that is in front of me to do. I am working on being as truthful, honest, and the best person I can be so that I can keep the recovery that I have so far. I stumble a lot and make a lot of bad choices, but I learn from them and go on. There are many times that I feel like a failure. I still trudge on with hope that everything will turn out all right in the end. Sometimes it does and sometimes it does not. I try not to focus on failures but on successes and the good things that are happening to me. I did learn that from my mother in a backhanded kind of way. She preached positive thinking yet did not practice it in everyday life. Some kernel of that wisdom stuck and finally blossomed when I started to make gratitude lists.
I said good-bye to the woman that hired me at work. She left because of burn out because the job was made so complicated and difficult when it did not have to be. I wish her well and all the happiness she can get from her other job. I hope that I do not burn out in this job and can keep working as long as humanly possible. I pray that when my time to leave comes that I accept it with all the grace and goodwill that I can muster.
I watched the movie “The Book Thief” recently and I was drawn into how important words are to me. To me, words give life. It also says the same thing in John 1: In the beginning was the word…. I have been thinking about what I want to do next in this life and I have decided to see if I can go back to school and get my masters in English Creative Writing. I may not be able to do so because of financial reasons, but at least I will try. Either way I want to write and am keeping a journal faithfully as possible.
To me, to write is to express how I feel or think about the things that happen to me on a daily basis. It allows me to examine my life and see what I need to work on or if I need to work on anything at all. It also shows me when I am thinking too much and need to get out and help another person. It allows me to thank my creator for all the good things that are happening to me daily. I learn to be grateful. Words are very powerful because they can either build you up or they can tear you down. Words can either depress you or express pure joy. Words are neither good nor bad – they just express the feelings and thoughts of the person who writes them.
The very act of writing can heal or it can destroy depending on how it is used. I write to affect change or transformation. I want more for myself than what I am getting right now. I want so much to be creative and want to work at doing just that. I want to find a way to integrate creativity and everyday life in some sort of fashion. I have been told that I cannot do things most of my life and I have proved everyone wrong. I was told that I was not college material by a high school English teacher and I went and got bachelors in Journalism. I was told that I would not be able to make it into the Texas Girls’ Choir and I did. I was told that I would never be able to work or live on my own and I am doing just that. I wish others would stop telling me what I can or cannot do and encourage me to be the best that I can be without the B.S. that usually goes along with it.
I also need to remember to be encouraging of others myself and never discourage others from pursuing their dreams and goals. That is where I can start the healing process of myself and others.
I went for training last week in Austin and it was pretty intense. I am scheduled to go back next week. I learned a lot about listening to people and how to talk to others about recovery both mine and theirs.
I met with people all over the state and from various backgrounds to talk about how to instill the hope of recovery in others by sharing our own personal recovery story. Many of us had things in common or even shared experiences. I no longer saw recovering people as weird or strange but as people who had been through various kinds of trauma and abuse.
It seemed that the stories were similar. The names had changed and a few of the details, but essentially the stories were very similar. We all felt even closer after we had all given our recovery story and participated in talent/no talent night.
Then when I got home there was work for me to do right away to put to use what I had learned in training. I hope I make a difference. I did not get all my reading done that I needed to have gotten done for EfM. I was so tired by the end of the day that all I could do was watch television and crochet or knit. It is hard for me to get up in the morning so I had to go to bed early so I could make sure and be there alert and ready to go in the morning.